Last year, after winning both my categories (Blog With the Most Swears and Blog With the Most Pictures of the Blogger) in the “prestigious” Drysdale Awards thanks to an exhausting and exhaustive campaign, I had a Shermanesque attitude about potential future Drysdales. “I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected,” I said nobly to Gigi the dog, briefly distracting her from her job of making annoying mouth noises under the bed. “Let someone else win for a change.”
Well, Drysdale time is here again, and now my attitude is fuck that self-denial shit!
This year, I have been nominated in three categories: Blog With the Most Swearing, Blog That is Clearly Contracted to Endorse a Product or Service, and Blogger of the Year. And I better win them, or I will beat a bitch’s ass. Furthermore, I have the endorsement of gorgeous blogger and self-proclaimed cunt Sister Wolf. She will no doubt introduce you to a world of pain if you let me down.
If the threat of violence isn’t enough to convince you, here are other persuasive arguments:
- You should vote for me for the swearing award because even my fingers curse you.
- You should vote for me for the product-endorsement award because my “About Me” paragraph begins, “I started this blog to promote my Wendy Brandes jewelry line…”
- You should vote for me for blogger of the year because I’m going to pay you lots of money for that. As a matter of fact, the check is in the mail! As soon as you vote, you can go stand by your mailbox and wait for payment.
You can vote until December 14, but it would probably be best to vote early and give me a giant lead so that I don’t have to write more campaign posts like this one. To paraphrase Arlo Guthrie in Alice’s Restaurant, I can do 25 more posts like this. I’m not proud … or tired.
You know what you have to do. Click the handsome face of Drysdale inventor Grant Miller and do it.
You are also encouraged to vote for people who are not me in the other highlarious categories, which include:
- Dullest Blog
- Blog With the Most Spam Comments
- Least Influential Political Blog
- Blog With the Most Posts About Jon or Kate Gosselin
- Blogger That Spreads the Most Rumors About Other Bloggers