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RIP, Chiara D’Agostino

October 25, 2020 by WendyB

A year ago today, I brought a cake to the hospital so my friend Chiara D’Agostino could celebrate her 48th birthday during her chemo appointment. Chiara died this August 4 of a complication of stage 4 triple negative metastatic breast cancer — leptomeningeal disease, in which the cancer invades the fluid around the brain and spinal cord. I wasn’t ready to write a tribute to her immediately after her death, but today is perfect, because we used to laugh over the fact that I had no excuse for forgetting her birthday was Oct. 25, 1971.

Oct. 25, 2019. Click for original post.

As anyone who has spent a lot of time in hospitals knows, staffers are constantly requesting that patients confirm their names and birthdate. If 10 nurses/residents/doctors happen to encounter you during, say, an eight-hour emergency-room visit, you’ll be asked for your identifying information at least 10 times. Yes, you’re wearing an ID wristband, but the conversation is still mandatory. This probably sounds like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but introducing yourself multiple times to strangers you never see again — so they don’t make a mistake and get sued by your next of kin — becomes annoying when you’re at the hospital exhausted, vomiting, attached to an IV, and surrounded by beeping monitors. Also, this is the third hospital visit in a week and your pain is so bad that even methadone only eases it a little. See how much you like repeating basic facts about yourself then! But the worst interaction was always when some poor surgical nurse from outside Chiara’s regular team — charged with trying to get a summary of Chiara’s vast medical history prior to a procedure — would ask, “So which side is the breast cancer on?” We’d scream, “IT’S EVERYWHERE!” I mean, that’s literally the definition of stage 4 metastatic cancer.

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Leaving #pinktober like…. . . . 📸 by @mrk_san_francisco #fuckcancer #tired #fighter #boxing #boxinggloves #bilateralmastectomy #breastcancerawareness #doublemastectomy #breastcancer #metastaticbreastcancer #stage4cancer #mbc #bcsm #tnbc #triplenegativebreastcancer #freethenipple #sanfrancisco #chemotherapy #baldgirl #silverqueen #flatandstillfabulous #beauty #bodyacceptance #bodyconfience #skin #photography #bodypositive #lovetheskinyourein #beautythroughthebeast

A post shared by BeautyThroughTheBeast™️ (@beautythroughthebeast) on Oct 30, 2019 at 8:26am PDT

Another thing that was unforgettable about Chiara’s birthday: It was on her 43rd, in 2014, that she first felt a golf-ball size lump in her left breast, just two months after a normal mammogram and physical exam and despite the fact that she had no genetic risk. That was a Saturday. That Monday, she went to a doctor’s appointment, and also started a blog that she called Beauty Through the Beast. A week later, she received a diagnosis of stage 3 triple negative breast cancer. (Triple negative cancer means the cancer growth isn’t fueled by the hormones estrogen and progesterone or by the HER2 protein, so the disease isn’t responsive to treatments that target those receptors.) Chiara blogged through chemo, the mastectomy of the cancerous breast, the prophylactic mastectomy of her right breast, and the preparation for reconstruction surgery. After 2016 — after her cancer advanced and multiple reconstruction surgeries failed — she continued sharing her journey on her Beauty Through the Beast Instagram account and her Facebook page.

“I’m a social person, I feed off of others,” Chiara wrote in a Nov. 4, 2014, post titled “Call Me!” She had posted her diagnosis on Facebook and “discovered not everyone reacts to illness the same, therefore I clearly and specifically ask for what I want: I posted on social media that I welcome contact, and received just that.” Clearly and specifically asking for what she wanted — and showing you what was happening! — was Chiara’s forte, and it was the reason I met her in real life on June 30, 2019. Before that, I just followed her on Instagram because of her glorious post-chemo gray hair and physical boldness.

View this post on Instagram

#Repost @small.boobs.are.badass ・・・ Today I have a very special story from @beautythroughthebeast . “This. Is. Me. Would I be more pleasing to look at if I had breasts? Who says? This is still ME, just in a different silhouette. Do I look glorious to you? I feel it. I feel #comfortableinmyskin even if it makes you cringe to look at me topless. . I’ve been through two diagnosis of an incurable breast cancer, triple negative breast cancer. There is no cure for TNBC, doctors just throw medicine at you and hope it sticks. 2014 I was diagnosed stage 3 TNBC and after chemotherapy and a mastectomy, I was diagnosed stage 4 TNBC with the cancer spreading to my bones, liver, lymph nodes and lungs. There is no cure for stage 4. So, this is me. . I’ve run in several circles and the one I found the most truth in was the #bodypositivity movement, because in this space, I feel comfortable just.the.way.I.am. – not after I do this or that. I’m happy with my body. As a former dancer, I’ve gone though my stages of comparing my body to other bodies in leotards, as a scared college student. This day, on the set of @underneath_we_are_women project, I felt surrounded by non- judgemental love and acceptance. The feeling is contagious. Define beauty for yourself. I always say it comes from the inside- beauty comes from the light in your eyes, the actions you take or don’t take, and being impeccable with your words.” . . #bodypositive #doublemastectomy #red #ieatbread #beauty #dancer #woman #power #bopo #photography #model #topless #body #lovetheskinyourein #inspiration #silverfox #womensmovement #selflove #quotes #scars #showus #scarsarebeautiful #sexy #newyork #flatandstillfabulous #womenswear #beautythroughthebeast

A post shared by BeautyThroughTheBeast™️ (@beautythroughthebeast) on Dec 16, 2018 at 11:42am PST

Anyway, in summer 2019, Chiara had Gamma knife surgery (a confusing name for highly directed radiation) for tumors that had popped up in her brain. In the immediate aftermath, she took to Instagram in real distress, asking for company and support. I couldn’t easily get to her in Montclair, N.J., where she lived — luckily, a couple of other followers were able to — but I said I would meet her at her next chemo appointment in Manhattan. I got there as scheduled, but the chemo didn’t. The doctors didn’t like her blood work; there was trouble with her liver. Chemo was cancelled and we spent all day sitting in the oncologist’s waiting room as the oncology team tried to arrange a hospital bed so her liver could get checked out. When no empty bed could be found, the doctors agreed she could go home as long as she would come back immediately, no matter what time it was, if she was called with news a bed had opened up. She got the call at night when MrB and I were supposed to go to dinner with friends from out of town. I was told him, “Just go yourself and tell them that I have to go to the hospital to help a stranger check in for liver surgery.” You know, my usual story!

View this post on Instagram

I’m here. Man do I feel sick. See how jaundiced I am. I’m like an avocado. My pee is brown, my poop is colorless. I just vomited again. Ugh. @wendybrandes met me at check in and came with me to my room, unpacked for me and even helped me explain to the doctor. I was sad about having to take an Uber in but then the Uber driver ended up being someone I went to high school with (and didn’t go to the reunion last night either), so I felt comforted. MHS was represented!! The ride was clean and had classical music. As I was crossing the #gwb #georgewashingtonbridge I saw #fireworks over the #hudsonriver My sweet bestie @bethbruises stayed on the phone with me until I pulled up. I brought my personalized bear that I received from @littlejoey2018 The Apple Foundation, and the foot says “You Are Loved Chiara” – how could I not take it with me??? Lastly, as Wendy was unpacking for me we found a little cat toy in my bag. That just made my heart explode. I love my cats so so much and they knew something was going on….I feel like they threw a toy in for me to let me know I’m not alone and that I’m loved, and that they notice. 😻😻😻 I’m lucky to have made a local friend (thank you @kiku333) who works with animals and she gives Luca his meds and I don’t have to worry. A lot of you checked in with me and sent me love and inspiration. The tech and nurse are so so sweet. My roommate is nice. I have a window bed with a massive view of the Hudson and #gwbridge I can’t wait to see it in the daytime. Things went so unexpectedly smoothly this evening that I gotta day, I FEEL LOVED. Thank you for your prayers, vibes, love, wishes, energy, emojis, and just helping. But more than that, you help me feel loved. That’s a better feeling than fear and anger!!! Lights out, but first I’ll watch tonight’s episode of @biglittlelies If you’d like to visit, I welcome that. I am weak and tired so it may be short or not too talkative. I’m at 177 Fort Washington, room 6HS-258 #feelingsafe #hospital #metastaticbreastcancer #triplenegativebreastcancer #flatandstillfabulous #thankyouforputtingupwithme #thankyouforyourlove #rosarybeads #thankyou #donesuffering #beautythroughthebeast

A post shared by BeautyThroughTheBeast™️ (@beautythroughthebeast) on Jun 30, 2019 at 11:03pm PDT

Chiara and I spent a lot of quality time together after that. Much of it was at the hospital …

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Friday I had eribulin IV chemotherapy at Columbia Hospital. My new fun, creative, funny pal @wendybrandes met me and sat with me by the window until I was done – and honestly, I was in and out of seeing my oncologist, getting blood work and chemo in two hours. The IV took 15 minutes, and I got zofran and steroid pills, not by drip so that saved some time. I’m so glad to have a buddy with me – @wendybrandes was a follower and reached out when I was crying for help and she got my attention and now we are friends 🙂 There are so many messages I haven’t replied to – please accept my apologies. I get mentally and physically exhausted and overwhelmed. I appreciate all of your comments and concerns. Thank you. My sister slept over. We crocheted together and watched #theslap. I was shocked I want doubled over in lain – that’s how I remember IV chemo. I took zofran Saturday and Sunday and that’s all. What I’ve been having trouble with is this new diagnosis of cancer, necrosis and ulcers in my duodenum. I’ve been constipated for four days (Thai food seems to do it) and my belly protrudes like a bowling ball. It’s hard like that too. So last night I barely slept because I felt there were knives stabbing my abdomen. I do a regular routine of colace, senna, prunes and miralax and all kinds of fresh fruit. So now I’m just crying and writhing in pain. I’ve cried a lot this past month – the loud whaling kind. Just at any moment I cry. You know what? It’s about time the tears and whaling come out. My @mealtrain link is in bio- if you’d like to sign up to help with companionship or a meal – and so is my @amazon wish list. But virtual flowers help, virtual hugs help, you even being there helps. Thank you. #chemotherapy #breastcancer #doublemastectomy #triplenegativebreastcancer #metastaticbreastcancer #mbc #bcsm #tnbc #beauty #beautyistired #beautythroughthebeast

A post shared by BeautyThroughTheBeast™️ (@beautythroughthebeast) on Jul 15, 2019 at 12:37pm PDT

… but we also got to have lunch in NYC a couple of times; hung out at her place and watched shows and played with her cats; hung out out my place and played with my dog and cats; and even got to a Michael Franti concert in New Jersey.

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Thank you to @beautythroughthebeast for taking me to see @michaelfranti last night! In the video (#swipe) the couple dancing behind Michael and his wife had just gotten engaged on stage #livemusic #michaelfranti #stayhuman #concert #spearhead

A post shared by Wendy Brandes (@wendybrandes) on Nov 8, 2019 at 7:54am PST

Chiara was a great advocate for herself as a patient, traveling to breast cancer conferences around the country so she could be up on the latest treatments and clinical trials. She was also an avid model, and was interviewed and photographed by publications including the Oprah magazine and Allure about “going flat” after numerous implant infections made her give up on breast reconstruction.

Click for the Allure magazine story and photos.

She told me, “I’ll take my clothes off anytime, anywhere!” and she meant it. She loved being seen.

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This photography book came out recently And I’m in it! @underneath_we_are on sale now – about all kinds and shapes of people. I’m honored to be involved. #underneathweare #naked #nude #bilateralmastectomy #doublemastectomy #flatandstillfabulous #triplenegativebreastcancer #metastaticbreastcancer #bopo #bodypositivity #bodyconfidence #bodyacceptance #courage #patmcgrathreal #confidence #scars #scarstoyourbeautiful #behindthescars #bcsm #thisisbreastcancer #beautythroughthebeast Photo and project by @underneath_we_are

A post shared by BeautyThroughTheBeast™️ (@beautythroughthebeast) on Jan 14, 2020 at 9:24am PST

Two weeks before Chiara died — while she was in hospice care at her sister Mary’s house — I realized I wasn’t going to get to speak to her or visit with her again. As the brain disease had advanced, she stopped talking and was sleeping much of the day. But her family was reading her messages to her, so I asked Mary to read her this:

I found you on Instagram due to your fierce, beautiful modeling photos. Your grey hair and red lips jumped out at me!

I always said we needed to make t-shirts with your photos on them. Mark the photographer has sent me the files and I’m ordering the shirts now. I’m going to wear your picture to protests and other places where I know there will be photographers … I guarantee they will want to take pictures of your picture. As long as I’m around, you will continue to be seen.

I took me longer than I hoped, but I got it done and delivered most of the t-shirts to Mary today.

View this post on Instagram

I always told @beautythroughthebeast that her modeling photos would make great t-shirts. Before she died, I promised her I would make that project happen so that her friends and family would make sure she’d still be seen out in the world. The first batch of shirts has arrived just in time for what would have been Chiara’s 49th birthday. If you’re going to the estate sale in NJ on Sunday, you can get a shirt there. Otherwise, send me a message. There’s a limited supply of shirts now but more can always be made. Thanks to @mrk_san_francisco for taking my favorite photo of Chiara; to @aperture.delta for revising the image for printing; and to @worksinprogressnyc for quickly producing such beautiful shirts. #tnmbc #ripchiaradagostino #mastectomy #mastectomywithoutreconstruction #goingflat #triplenegativebreastcancer #breastcancer #chiaradagostino #chiaradagostinomodel

A post shared by Wendy Brandes (@wendybrandes) on Oct 23, 2020 at 7:58pm PDT

Tomorrow, like I promised, I’ll be wearing Chiara’s picture at a protest on the steps of the Supreme Court building in Washington D.C. … accessorized by one of the huge feather earrings that Chiara got when she lost her hair again due to chemo in 2017.

View this post on Instagram

From 2017. Chiara wearing the same @lolitabox185 earring I’m wearing in my previous post. She was super-excited about hand sanitizer. Ahead of her time, I tell you! … #Repost @beautythroughthebeast ・・・ My friend sent me this #handsanitizer called “Bitch Slap Those Germs” she knows me well…. And that earring? @realnycmarket ❤️ #chemotherapy #baldbeauty #portraitmode #metastaticbreastcancer #mbc #thisismbc #bcsm #tnbc #triplenegativebreastcancer #breastcancerawareness #flatandstillfabulous #ripchiara #ripchiaradagostino #chiaradagostino #chiaradagostinomodel

A post shared by Wendy Brandes (@wendybrandes) on Sep 5, 2020 at 8:56pm PDT

When Mary asked me if I wanted anything of Chiara’s, the feathers came to my mind immediately.

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This is the second-longest feather earring from the collection of @beautythroughthebeast. Wait till you see the longest one! 🤯Photo by @aperture.delta … earring by @lolitabox185 … #defeatfascism t-shirt from @wewillnotbesilent … #justice face mask from @blm … #ripchiaradagostino #ripchiara #chiaradagostinomodel #chiaradagostino #fuckcancer #tnmbc #triplenegativebreastcancer #whatisrememberedlives #fbf #flashbackfriday #exoticshorthaircat #earrings #longearring #statementjewelry #feathers #featherearrings #featherjewelry #statementearrings #wearamask😷

A post shared by Wendy Brandes (@wendybrandes) on Sep 5, 2020 at 8:45pm PDT

She had one for every day of the week, and now I don’t feel like myself if I’m not wearing a Chiara feather.

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1/2 Jacket customized by @thesepinklips , #facemask by @thesepinklips , t-shirt by @aclu_nationwide , #featherearring by @lolitabox185 … photo by @aperture.delta #notanad #boughtitmyself #wiw #ootd #whatwendywore #style #fashion #vote2020 #votehimout #bluewave2020 #resist #pussygrabsback #embodythemessage #fashionstatement #votebetches #fashionblogger #ogblogger #singleearring … guillotine necklace by @jessicakagancushman , lariat necklace by @wendybrandesjewelry

A post shared by Wendy Brandes (@wendybrandes) on Oct 19, 2020 at 8:47pm PDT

As a jewelry designer for 15 years, I studiously avoided wearing any jewelry that wasn’t from my own line — but leave it to Chiara to be an exception to every rule!

Read more about Chiara:

  • Beauty Through the Beast blog
  • Beauty Through the Beast Facebook page
  • Beauty Through the Beast Instagram account
  • Allure magazine, 2019
  • Oprah magazine, 2017
  • Not Putting on a Shirt, 2020
  • Wall Street Journal story, July 2015
  • Donations in her memory can be made to Metavivor, Share Cancer Support, or Wynona’s House.

Chiara D’Agostino
10/25/71 – 8/4/20


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Filed Under: earrings, health, Jewelry, models, obits, pictures of me, single earrings Tagged With: breast cancer, chiara d'agostino, triple negative metastatic breast cancer

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Comments

  1. Kristin says

    October 26, 2020 at 1:40 pm

    Oh, W, this is a beautiful obituary – and you really do them like nobody else. And that you honour your friends in this way is a credit to your loyal nature. Thank you for posting this.

    • WendyB says

      November 2, 2020 at 8:37 pm

      Thank you for reading xoxo

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MEET WENDY BRANDES

Award-winning designer of fine jewelry inspired by women's history and pop culture. A former journalist who writes about jewelry, fashion, medieval history, news, feminism, dogs, cats and whatever else is on her mind. Blogging since 2007.
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