Courtney isn’t as compulsively quotable as Charlie Sheen. There is no “winning” or “tiger blood” or “I am on a drug, it’s called CHARLIE SHEEN!,” though I definitely need to use Courtney’s “Who do you think you are? Barbara Fucking Walters?” soon — maybe when MrB asks me something harmless, like, “What did you do today?” Where Courtney triumphs is in the name-dropping department. A few examples, with bold highlights added by me:
- “But we’re talking about fucking Kelly Osbourne, you know? This is a girl whose life I have saved twice, once with C.P.R. and another time with C.P.R. and violence—by which I mean I had to poke her furiously in certain places to wake her up from her coma.”
- “…Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last D.U.I. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested.”
- “But I also went out with Edward Norton for four years and didn’t do any drugs or walk a single red carpet in all that time. “
- “But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, “Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.” It fucked me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier.”
- “A few years ago, at Ted Demme’s funeral, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson dared me to walk up to Harvey Weinsten and tell him off.”
- And my personal favorite: “But as Gwyneth once said to me, ‘Once you’re A-list, you’re always A-list,’ and I try to remember that. “
I feel vicariously wasted just from reading remarks like, “I believe in moderation, so I had a glass of rosé a few weeks ago. The other night, someone offered me a bump of cocaine at an art gallery opening, and I did it.” It’s like on Family Guy, when Stewie gets messed up because Meg smokes pot.
At least I know where to go to get straight. Out to sea! As Courtney said:
“If I ever need to detox again, I’ll just rent out a yacht. You can get another addict, and for 40 grand a week you can both rent a boat with a crew of 10, and bring along 12 of your friends. Think about it: you cruise around the Caribbean, and whenever things get rough, you can dock at some exotic port. Of course, you’ll probably spend most of your time puking in your cabin, but there’s a doctor on board, and you’ll have all the meds you need, and you’ll be surrounded by your friends.”
Count me in! Well, only as long as Love promises to refrain from “energetically expounding on a broad range of subjects from Carl Jung to Karl Lagerfeld,” as she did to The Fix’s editor-in-chief Maer Roshan. That would be more of a buzzkill than Buzz Killington.