I’m devastated that I received a mere honorable mention in the race for the second annual Drysdale award for Blog With the Most Swearing. I was hoping to be a two-time winner in this category, but gorgeous blogger Gwen from Everything I Like Causes Cancer beat my ass. To Gwen, I say, “Congratulations!” and “Fuck you!”
I did win two other awards, which I will get to eventually. (If you knew me in my past life as a journalist and are mentally abusing me for burying the lede: Fuck you!) First, I would like to explain that the Drysdale awards are the invention of highlarious blogger Grant Miller of Grant Miller Media. In addition to swearing, the award categories include Least Influential Political Blog, Blog With the Worst Spelling and Grammar and Ugliest Blog. You can see why I campaign so furiously!
For most people, one of the awards I did win — Blog That Is Clearly Paid to Endorse a Product or Service — would be as desirable as, say, Blog With the Most Spam Comments. For you slower readers, that means “not at all desirable.” Catch up! Jebus. But I’m pleased with the award in an entirely sincere way. A while ago, my handsome friend Barney, a retired journalist and a very earnest man, told me he read my blog often and enjoyed it but, he asked, “Didn’t you start it to promote your jewelry line?” I said that was indeed one of my motives. He said, “But you rarely mention [the jewelry].” (That’s an exact quote. He speaks with brackets.) I generally respond to constructive criticism positively, if by “positively” you mean “by beating a bitch’s ass.” But Barney’s comment really stuck with me and I started making more of an effort to get entertaining and educational posts about my jewelry into the blog. Lo and behold, I have discovered that promoting my business is a good thing for business. So, Barney, thank you. And, just so you don’t feel like the odd person out in this post … fuck you!
I’m finally ready to get to the most important thing here, which means this story is about as well-organized as one I recently read in the New York Times. (An aside to my many, many dear friends at the Times: I kid because I love. The Times is still the first newspaper I read every morning. Yes, I read newspapers on paper. More than one every day. But seriously, why would you mention someone’s mental illness in the eighth paragraph of a story and not identify the illness as paranoid schizophrenia for another 100-plus paragraphs? Admittedly, it did keep me reading the story because I HAD TO KNOW.) What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, I won the one serious-sounding Drysdale category: Blogger of the Year.
I am really delighted by this and thankful for all the people — bloggers and civilians — who play along with my endless campaigns (or beg-a-thons, as someone once bitchily said) for votes. I’m especially thankful to Grant Miller, who came in second in this category and somehow resisted the urge to rig it in his own favor. Clearly, blogging has brought a lot of great people into my life. You are all winners to me. Fuck yeah!