It’s my birthday today. I was going to lie and tell y’all that I just turned 13. I’ve always wanted to be an ingenue. Plus, young blogging dynamo Tavi said she wouldn’t mind my jacking her style, age-wise.
“WendyB does the statement piece sooooo well. She’s gonna kill me for saying this, but I hope I am so fearless about fashion when I am her age.”
Lexie, I briefly considered killing you. But after the shock passed, I nearly laughed a gummy bear out my nose. I was indeed eating gummy bears at the time. How amazing would it be if I HADN’T been eating gummy bears and laughed one out my nose anyway? Imagine having a magical nose full of gummy bears! Anyway, I digress. Though I was dismayed to learn I was someone about whom people could say things such as “…when I am her age” (I now know how you feel, Iris Apfel!), I must concede that I am old enough* to be Lexie’s mother. In fact, I am old enough to be the mother of a few of you readers. This means that I get to tell you what to do. You have to obey me because I’m not actually your mother and there’s no reason to get all genetically resentful on my ass. Listen up, little bitches:
- You can not go out of the house DRESSED LIKE THAT.
- Go back upstairs and put a shirt/pants on.
- Don’t speak to me that way. GO UPSTAIRS. What did you just say? Oh really? You’ve lost cell phone privileges for a week.
- I found naked photos of you on your cell phone. Now you’ve lost phone privileges for a year.
- Turn that music down.
- Stay out of the liquor cabinet.
- Cigarettes will kill you.
- I can smell tobacco on you!
- Get off the computer and read a book.
- Do your homework before Facebook.
- You can’t borrow the car.
- It’s not that I don’t trust YOU. I don’t trust THEM.
- Do not post your bikini photos on Facebook. The admissions officers at Yale/Ramapo College/wherever do not need to see your belly.
- Yes, they WILL look you up on Facebook.
- Turn that music down.
- Don’t cut class.
- It’s puppy love. You’ll get over it.
- TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!
- No, you can’t get a tattoo/piercing.
- I don’t care if everyone else is doing it.
- For God’s sake, don’t use Twitter to ask your friends to “cop bud” for you!
- Yes, the admissions officers know how to use Twitter too.
- I can smell pot on you!
- You’re grounded until you’re 30.
- You’re going to rehab.
- As long as you live under my roof read my blog, you’ll abide by my rules.
I was a well-behaved teenager. I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs or sex up the boys.** I didn’t have time for such things because I was busy getting A’s, working on the school newspaper, and teasing my hair up to great heights. I didn’t have to study much, except for every other test in physics (I had a system), so it must have been the hair that took up most of my time. Speaking of that hair, thanks go out to gorgeous blogger Denise of The Swelle Life for turning my 1984/5 photo into an awesome ’80s album cover.
I feel so Patrick Nagel!
*If you’re wondering how old I am, I’ve said it before on the blog. Do the math yourself!
**I had a brief interlude of hard-cider-drinking naughtiness in England, but that was the exception to the rule.