Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

She Who Must Be Obeyed

by

It’s my birthday today. I was going to lie and tell y’all that I just turned 13. I’ve always wanted to be an ingenue. Plus, young blogging dynamo Tavi said she wouldn’t mind my jacking her style, age-wise.

My plans were thwarted after gorgeous blogger Jayne included me in a “Chic of the Week” post, prompting equally-gorgeous-but-possibly-suicidal blogger Lexie to comment:

“WendyB does the statement piece sooooo well. She’s gonna kill me for saying this, but I hope I am so fearless about fashion when I am her age.”

Lexie, I briefly considered killing you. But after the shock passed,  I nearly laughed a gummy bear out my nose. I was indeed eating gummy bears at the time. How amazing would it be if I HADN’T been eating gummy bears and laughed one out my nose anyway? Imagine having a magical nose full of gummy bears! Anyway, I digress. Though I was dismayed to learn I was someone about whom people could say things such as “…when I am her age” (I now know how you feel, Iris Apfel!), I must concede that I am old enough* to be Lexie’s mother. In fact, I am old enough to be the mother of a few of you readers. This means that I get to tell you what to do. You have to obey me because I’m not actually your mother and there’s no reason to get all genetically resentful on my ass. Listen up, little bitches:

  • You can not go out of the house DRESSED LIKE THAT.
  • Go back upstairs and put a shirt/pants on.
  • Don’t speak to me that way. GO UPSTAIRS. What did you just say? Oh really? You’ve lost cell phone privileges for a week.
  • I found naked photos of you on your cell phone. Now you’ve lost phone privileges for a year.
  • Turn that music down.
  • Stay out of the liquor cabinet.
  • Cigarettes will kill you.
  • I can smell tobacco on you!
  • Get off the computer and read a book.
  • Do your homework before Facebook.
  • You can’t borrow the car.
  • It’s not that I don’t trust YOU. I don’t trust THEM.
  • Do not post your bikini photos on Facebook. The admissions officers at Yale/Ramapo College/wherever do not need to see your belly.
  • Yes, they WILL look you up on Facebook.
  • Turn that music down.
  • Don’t cut class.
  • It’s puppy love. You’ll get over it.
  • TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!
  • No, you can’t get a tattoo/piercing.
  • I don’t care if everyone else is doing it.
  • For God’s sake, don’t use Twitter to ask your friends to “cop bud” for you!
  • Yes, the admissions officers know how to use Twitter too.
  • I can smell pot on you!
  • You’re grounded until you’re 30.
  • You’re going to rehab.
  • As long as you live under my roof read my blog, you’ll abide by my rules.

I was a well-behaved teenager. I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs or sex up the boys.** I didn’t have time for such things because I was busy getting A’s, working on the school newspaper, and teasing my hair up to great heights.  I didn’t have to study much, except for every other test in physics (I had a system), so it must have been the hair that took up most of my time. Speaking of that hair, thanks go out to gorgeous blogger Denise of The Swelle Life for turning my 1984/5 photo into an awesome ’80s album cover.

I feel so Patrick Nagel!

*If you’re wondering how old I am, I’ve said it before on the blog. Do the math yourself!

**I had a brief interlude of hard-cider-drinking naughtiness in England, but that was the exception to the rule.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. God Wendy, you’re scary when you’re pretending to be my Mum!

    Oh, and don’t lie, nobody as gorgeous as that high hair photo wasn’t sexing up the boys!

  4. Wendy, I am digging that hair…hehehe. XD Happy B-day!!! May your day be filled with love and laughter.

    P.S I don’t blame you for laughing at the bag. Let’s just say it took a lot for me not to. *giggles* Hope you have a fab holiday!

  6. Yes! I have succeeded my at having some one tell me to go change!

    Happy Birthday, I definitely hope am a fraction as cool as you when I am older.

  7. LOL! I’ve actually had someone leave a “when I’m your age” comment too. Makes me realize how young my readers are!

    Anyway, Happy BIRTHDAY! and I love the album cover, I would’ve bought it!

  11. This is the funniest blog entry ever. I’m dying of laughter. I hope your birthday was AWESOME! Annnnd happy happy holidays, wendyb!!!!

    ps. thanks for sparing me! and the rules are noted.

  12. These are hysterically funny, Birthday Girl!

    And you have to pass that title on to me on the 29th. However, I no longer refer to that as my birthday. It is now reverently called the *@&! anniversary of my 21st birthday. And yes, I shop at Forever 21 because they have not carded me yet so they have no idea that I am NOT 21. Shhh…that’s our secret!

  14. Happy Birthday, Wendy!!!
    Out shopping the other day with my feet killing and cranky from the ridicously loud and ANNOYING music blaring, I suddenly felt like my mother…yeah I went home soon after that.

    And Happy Holidays too!

  15. Happy Birthday Wendy!
    You are one year older than I am… no actually you are 2 months older than I am, my brain is melting today.

    Anyway I have said some of the things you posted, and some others, but usually with a lot more cussing involved.

    And I would love to look as good as you do when I am your age.

  21. You are damn hilarious woman! If you need a drummer for your hair band I’m available… and you’re not old enough to be my mother, but old enough to be my wildly inappropriate, stylish older sister!!!! 🙂

  23. First of all – happiest belated birthday.

    Second of all – it doesn’t matter a bit how old you are because you are the cat’s pajamas at any age – although I must say for 13 you seem quite sophisticated and chic and have an amazing complexion.

  24. Well, I’m old enough to have three-day hangovers and say stuff like, “teenagers are so disrespectful.”
    My mom’s favorite “if everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you do it too??!!”
    Fuck, maybe mom, if there was a pack of menthol cigarettes and lemon gin at the bottom, leave me alone!
    Merry everything!!!!!!!!

  26. Well, *you’re* young enough to be my….niece?

    Anyhow, can’t believe I missed this post yesterday. Guess I was busy cleaning my room.

    BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! (I know you’ll keep the party going.)

  27. happy birthday, ms. B!!! i know how old u are but you look about 15 yrs younger than ur actual age so that’ll be my age for you. 😉 xoxo

    happy holidays!!

  31. Oh crap, I missed it. Happy belated birthday, Wendy! And I should also say that we must be very close in age because in 84/85 I was rocking some teased hair and bangs on PERMED hair. Oh yeah, that shit was tight. Hairspray was my best friend and conformity my enemy. One look at my grade nine yearbook photo would laser fry your eyeballs and explode your eardrums with Motley Crue pyrotechnics. And it would take cold hard cash to ever reveal what I looked like then. I’ll trade you 80s looks any day.

    ♥♥♥

  34. You don’t look a day over 13! 🙂

    Plus, you share your birthday with my father, a rather uninteresting sidenote. Do you get joint birthday/Christmas presents? He does, and he hates it. Can’t blame him really, it is technically cheating on the gift-givers part.

  35. Wow, maybe you are my mother. Pretty sure she has directed at least 75% of these comments at me and I was a very obedient teen. Whenever I pointed out my trustworthy nonparty child ways to her I was always met with a “It’s not that I don’t trust YOU. I don’t trust THEM.” Them being my friends because straight A earning, curfew abiding, parent obeying Catholic school girls can never be trusted.

    P.S. I wish that was a real album if only so I could play it really loud when my mom is around to hear her say “Turn that noise down it’s giving me a headache.”