Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

Keep Your Pants On

by

When I told y’all that I was on Twitter, I warned you that I had a limited number of topics to tweet about, with a favorite being “I can’t sleep.”

Not long ago, after I tweeted an insomnia complaint, gorgeous blogger Gnarlitude Jen tweeted back a quote from former Gucci designer Tom Ford: “Bedtime ritual: take bath, turn off TV, lay awake for 6-7 hours. Get up.” I loved this quote. It made me feel like Tom Ford and I should be best friends. I thought that if we were best friends, maybe Tom Ford would turn the TV back on and we would watch the 2 a.m. Law & Order Special Victims Unit together and email each other about it. I would write, “Tom Ford, don’t u agree that Ice-T and Richard Belzer deserve more screen time?” And he would write, “How did u get my email? I’m blocking u. Also, stop calling me ‘Tom Ford,’ u crazy bitch.” And I would write, “LMAO, Tom Ford!”

My fantasy world was shattered when I remembered that before designer Marc Jacobs made it his No. 1 goal in life to bother me with his nudity, Tom Ford bothered me with HIS nudity.

TOM FORD, NAKED AGAIN.

I think Tom Ford has a very perky derriere, but I prefer my fashion designers to be fully clothed at all times. I also prefer my pharmacist, dog groomer, dentist and corner drug addict to be fully clothed when I’m around. I’m the opposite of the PETA ads: I’d rather you wear fur than go naked.

There’s an exception to every rule, of course. How did Yves Saint Laurent make it look so elegant? Was it the glasses? The non-buff body? The lack of SpongeBob SquarePants tattoos?

YVES SAINT LAURENT – ICONIC NUDE

Tom Ford designed Saint Laurent’s namesake line from 2000 to 2003. Saint Laurent said of his successor, “The poor guy does what he can.” Perhaps he was referring to nekkid pictures, as well as clothing design. Hmm. Anyway, if you are a fashion designer about to strip for a photo shoot, my advice is to ask yourself, “Is my name Yves Saint Laurent?” If the answer is no, please do not disrobe.

Speaking of inappropriate nudity, one winter I was in a cab and drove past a naked dude trying to dig up a sidewalk tree with his bare hands. He looked like he might catch a bad cold, so I called 911. I didn’t mind that the 911 operator asked me if I was “the patient.” Maybe I sound like a naked man on the phone. Who knows? I could also put up with the fact that she kept asking me the man’s age even though I told her I was in a cab and he was two, three, four blocks away by now (Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks.) I did mind that she transferred me without warning, and after I listened to a lot of static and weird clicks, I had to tell the same story to a fireman, including the fact that I was not the patient and that the patient’s age was unknown. After I clarified everything, the fireman was silent. Trying to keep the converstion going, I helpfully said, “I’m worried that the man might be having a psychotic episode.” And the fireman sarcastically replied, “Ya THINK?!?”

No good deed goes unpunished.

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Comments

  2. I like mens naked bums when said bums are nice.

    And indoor naked is good. I get too cold when I run around outside naked…

  3. Count the rings on his penis! Girl, you’re one great big ol’ hoot!

    I think the difference in these nude photographs (and the other one of the guy with the ham-colored thigh) rests in the fact that YSL’s photo is a classic idea–something to work toward–while that other guy here with the towel and that other guy there with the writing all over himself will not be able to achieve that plateau. They will forever wallow around as mundane nekkid guys.

  4. Every Tom Ford editorial are pretty much the same. Him, naked. Other people, naked. Some type of food or water….let’s not get detailed…

    I felt so betrayed by Marc with those photos! I actually like the Sprouse x LV collection too. Hmmph.

    Maybe the naked tree dude was trying to make a point about the environment or something. We’ll say that.

  5. I think you should have counted the rings on his penis… That was sound advice from the 911 operator. My husband is a certified arborist. He suggests taking a penile core sample.

  7. Hi there-LOL, a fabulous post to start my morning!! Poor Tom Ford, being dissed like that by Yves Saint Laurent, thats funny!!

  9. Tom Ford looks like he's whipping asses while doing some disco moves. It's weird — but, I like it. I'm going to also admit that I loved MJ int he nude too. Hahahaha.

    But, this was the best part of the post: Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks.). If I had been drinking something it would've been all over my cmoputer screen ring now. LOL>

  10. you r too funny Wendy! I met Tom Ford at the Heathrow Airport once… he was very humble&sweet! Of course he was showing off his hairy chest as usual…

    Have u tried acupuncture for your sleeplessness?…it might work non?

  14. hilarious. When my husband was a patrol officer, he and a friend responded to a call about possible drug dealing at a town house. The other officer remembered coming to that house, and that the guy had run out the back door when he knocked…so he got my husband to wait at the back door while he banged on the front. Sure enough, as soon as the guy heard “Police…open up!” he ran out the back door. Naked. In February. He was immediately collared by my husband, whose first question was “Dude…it’s cold. How far did you think you were going to get with no clothes on?” That is my naked story for today.

  15. I thought YSL was Austin Scarlett. Now I’m so disappointed that Austin Scarlett is a YSL copycat.

  16. I think Tom looks a little saggy compared to Joychunks on the right. There’s always a huge risk in being shot nekkid with other people in the scene. YSL’s vulnerability comes out in his shot.

  17. if tom’s chest is hairy, why is his ass so gleamingly clean of hair?
    couldn’t agree more about ysl – the photo is so much more interesting b/c his expression is so tense and vulnerable. Or, he doesn’t come across as “look at me nekkid!”

  18. WB, gotta disagree with you about Tom. I like him naked. (But man he’s an arrogant idiot.) And YSL was chic in all contexts. I do love that nude portrait of him.

  20. what did his age have to do with anything? Under 40, leave him be. Over 60, he needs a cup of cocoa.

    WV: mitin, he could’ve used some

  21. MJ is clearly an exhibitionist. What made that YSL portrait special was that he was rather a recluse and it was so uncharacteristic of him to pose nude!

    xoxox,
    CC

  23. YSL is demonstating the difference between Good Naked and Bad Naked, so ably discussed in the ’90s on “Seinfeld”.

    Good naked: excellent lighting, black and white photography and most importantly, we know the naughty bits are there but we are not confronted with them directly.

    Bad naked: weiners (and most crotchal views) and Tom Ford’s ass. Miss Janey thinks its flat and unattractive and should be put away and kept there.

  24. Your story made me actually lol at my desk. In other news, I should be wary of nudity in your posts (or stop reading blogs at work). 😛

  26. Count the rings on his penis…..hilarious!! I’m also not a fan of nude designers either, bit ironic that they design clothes but cant keep their own on!

  28. Maybe I sound like a naked man on the phone.

    lol! … hysterical … i’m still laughing!

    ps i totally wish they would give ice-t and richard belzer more sceen time … they might be my favourite on-screen couple.

  29. hilarious post honey! think Yves got away with that nude photo as it was a mix of his un buff body,his intelligence which shone through and finally the un assuming pose.with Ford and Jacobs their nude images are always in a smarting ‘look at me…’ way fashion.
    girl your my sister in insomnia! I just lay there then get up 6 hours later.Ive such bad insomnia honey,its just become a way of life for me unfortunately.
    love love that Tom ford quote! My great great grandma was notable for saying “There is more sleep after death.”
    muah x
    Marian

  30. Naked men = good.
    Poorly posed naked men = YUCK!
    Wet towels and armpit hair and untoned asses just don’t do it for me.
    Full frontal? Sweet!
    I’d like men to pose more like women and show the world what they’re made of. Seriously. Yet with a smile on their face. (Note I said “their” – I’m a NYC chick into multitasking).
    Great blog, sweet Wendy!
    Keep up the good work. No euphamism intended.

  31. I would . . . I would . . . I don’t want to say “die”, but I would walk around like a zombie if I had no sleep. I love sleep!

  32. Not only did you have to deal with 911 and a firefighter about the nude tree-digging man, but you had to SEE the nude tree-digging man. That’s enough to trigger a psychotic episode.

    Yech to naked Tom Ford and yech to naked Marc Jacobs. Naked YSL? That’s alright with me; the image in your post was less self-seeking and less self-indulgent than the MJ and TF ones I’ve seen.

  33. i still adore tom ford. i may not like everything he does, but i still adore him.

    that’s a crazy store about naked man!

  34. Ah, at least Tom Ford’s replying your emails. If that’s not a sign of true blue bffs, then I don’t know what is…

  38. This is your best post ever! There are so many good ones, Wendy B, but I was doubled with laugther! I adore this post and nominate it as ‘Best Post Ever’. I don’t care that’s not a real contest. You rock!

  39. Oh, I love being naked, WendyB–it’s so easy to accessorize!

    (P.S. “beansme” was my word verification.” Beans me. Love it!)

  40. To be honest,and at the risk of sounding slightly gay, if I had a butt like Tom Ford’s I wouldn’t be ashamed to showcase it!

    xx

  41. Tom Ford certainly is waxed to a high gloss!
    I wonder if you should be concerned Wendy that you sound like a naked man on the phone…

  42. Bahahaha!! @ your story about the naked man digging a tree. sounding like a naked man…ha, priceless! i believe you just made my day 🙂

  43. “Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks” – OMG, this made me laugh so much!

  47. I love the idea of counting cock rings to tell age.. I wonder if that would work with Tom Ford.

  48. Non-contextual nudity throws me off every time. There used to be this late night cooking show where the host and cook were naked. They were wearing aprons, but still. Nudity and food just leaves me feeling nauseated.

  50. Tom Ford lost me with the VF cover. If he’s all happy to disrobe, why didn’t he do it then, instead of looking like he was about to monster-chomp Keira Knightly? Bah.

    As for YSL – a real legend and classy nekkid or otherwise.