Yesterday I was exceptionally annoyed by this first-person essay in the New York Times (registration required). Every week, the Modern Love column grates like fingernails on a chalkboard. After reading it I usually beat my head against the wall for a few minutes and feel much better. In the case of “My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood,” I’m worried that the prolonged head-beating required would be bad for the wall.
Twenty-some years ago, the author, Kelly Valen, was raped at a fraternity party. As a result, she has a deep distrust of … women. Yes, women! She’s fine with men because the rapist was blackballed from his fraternity. “The men in my drama acknowledged wrongdoing, apologized, showed remorse. Punishment, however minor, was meted out,” she says.
What really hurt Kelly was not the rape or the slap on the wrist that the rapist got. The worst part was when her sorority sisters blamed her for the rape and, she says, bringing “shame upon them all.” Of the guys, she says, “To be sure, their violence and misogynistic rituals stole my innocence and triggered the demons of shame and repression that shackle me still. Yet their actions, however crude and criminal, ultimately hurt me far less than the judgments, connivance and betrayal of women.” Eventually, she says, the sorority expelled her on a trumped-up charge of bad dancing (seriously!).
Her description of the sorority sisters’ behavior is loathsome, but not surprising to those of us who don’t care for Greek life. I’m sure some of you peeps had fabulous sorority experiences. If you found the perfect sisterhood, made friends for life and have lots of sorority-related charity work under your belt, I’m thrilled. I don’t deny that it’s possible, so don’t get up my ass. But the dark side of Greek life, and of any organizations that deemphasize individual rights in favor of the “common good,” is groupthink, hazing and the exclusion of outsiders, rebels and accidental troublemakers. Feel free to reread Lord of the Flies.
Anyway, what really got me in Kelly’s essay was this passage, “…I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes.”
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. First of all, get some therapy! Secondly, open your eyes and you will find that men too are “at once allies and foes.” Women and men are good and bad! You know, human! That’s why it’s best to judge people as individuals rather than as genders, races, religions, nationalities, etc. And how obtuse do you have to be to write “I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated” and not recognize it as a self-fulfilling prophecy? Why should I do anything to make your life easier when you’re hostile, distrustful and unappreciative? If you hate me on principle, do you think I’m going to give you advice and support? The essay itself fulfills the prophecy. As sorry as I am for what Kelly went through, I don’t like her. Why should I? She isn’t kindly disposed towards me.
It’s not like I haven’t experienced undermining and backstabbing. As some of you may remember, my business partner died of secret breast cancer. She also withheld the names of manufacturers and vendors that were key to the business. Luckily, after her death, both men and women offered me contacts that helped me keep the business going. I would especially like to thank the talented Thomas Kurilla and the beautiful and brilliant Elizabeth Morton, who both came to my rescue. I would also like to thank the Academy, Marty Scorsese and my hairdresser. I love you guys! Oh, shizz, wrong speech! Anyway, I recently passed along some vendor names to another jewelry designer. A female jewelry designer. Yes, a woman who could be considered my competitor. And she gave me some great info in return. Positive things can happen but you have to be willing to help your good fortune along.
And getting back to Kelly, here’s food for thought: she has three daughters. Good luck, little womyns! You’ll need it!
Lynette says
You call ’em like you see ’em. I really, really like that about you, I really do! Oops, paraphrasing the wrong speech. All joking aside, I admire you very much, WendyB, for your forthrightness.
WendyB says
Thank you, Lynette. That’s much nicer than what people normally say about my opinions 😉
BTW,for a minute I was thinking, “She’s up late!” Then I realized it’s me who is up late and you who is normal.
all-things-spiffy says
Hey wendyb, that’s a really meaningful article you got there. Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog.
Henna says
well that was refreshing!
Bobble Bee says
This is a very thoughtful post, thanks for bringing this question out.
I’m not quite sure what to think as this kind of articles are written by journalists and not the people themselves. I agree with her half and half, it can be more hurting not to get the support from your peers than the thing itself. The rape lasts half an hour or an hour, the lack of support for ever … It doesn’t mean I rather one thing to the other, it means I totally understand that point.
These matters are really complex.
This Lady says
I agree with bobble bee on this one. Although the rape itself takes an undetermined amount of time, the effects and consequences can last a lifetime.
And the most important thing that gets us thru the aftermath, other than therapy, is the support of our loved ones and peers.
To be part of a sisterhood that you pledged to, and that you thought will stick with u thru thick and thin, is a great feeling. However, to be thrown out of this “sisterhood” for something that u were a victim of is devastating!
In the words of booble “it can be more hurting not to get the support from your peers than the thing itself.”
So much for sisterhood.
riz says
I think the key problem I have with the author’s perspective, is the one you have pointed out here:
“That’s why it’s best to judge people as individuals rather than as genders, races, religions, nationalities, etc.”
And I think you are right. I don’t think her problem ought to be with women , but with the Greek mentality.
WendyB says
Bobble-Bee, this was written by the woman herself. If it had been written by a reporter, the victim would probably have been more appealing because the crazy would have been toned down.
Practically Perfect In Every Way says
you are smart and pretty.
my first response was to pitty her, and i do for her outlook. i have not an ounce of interest in greek life, or surrounding myself with people who would do me harm.
i’ve only just started reading your blog and didn’t know that about your business partner. great job on getting your business started, again!!! great post Wendy.
pistols at dawn says
To be fair, bad dancing is pretty terrible. I’ve declared a non-aggression pact with dancing, and we’ve agreed to leave each other alone.
WendyB says
PPIEW,as always, you are the perfect audience 😉 I do know people who rave over their Greek experience, so it’s not like I want to debate their happy reality, but to me, the Greek system is all about an “in crowd” and an “out crowd” and you can be excluded based on any banal/unjust reason that can be dreamed up. If you want to bond with people, do an activity that’s a meritocracy! Join the school newspaper, play sports, whatever. If you don’t get a fair shot in your activity, then you have something to be very angry at. But I’m not surprised that people who haze each other to enforce conformity can turn on one of their own. And besides, the sorority is still not as gross and CRIMINAL as the rapist himself and the frat that encouraged violations-for-fun and the school that didn’t do anything about it.
WendyB says
Pistols at Dawn, perhaps you wisely avoid bad dancing but I hear you WEAR SWEATPANTS! That’s almost as bad. I will have to put you on probation for the sweatpants.
KreativeMix says
she needs a lot more than therapy……….shoo!!!
Suzanna Mars says
I’ve noticed that the Modern Love column tends to be grounds for debate on several levels; although this has nothing to do with the topic at hand, ML is intriguing as a catalyst for diverse argumentation.
WB, you bring up an interesting point here about the woman’s widespread issues with betrayal and the limitations of the Greek system (about which I know nothing). The putative “sisters” were more interested in preserving the whole; the writer suffered from behavioral expectation and then allowed it to color her entire female experience. That has nothing to do with women in general and more to do with her own psychological constitution. As we know, there are devils and angels everywhere and the rest of us fall somewhere in between.
Good on ya for getting your biz back up and running. You go get ’em, WB!
WendyB says
@ Suzanne, the business story is so crazy that I got a contract to write (wait for this!) a personal essay about it in a magazine. Oh noes! I keep reading it and rereading it to make sure I don’t sound crazy. Obviously, I AM crazy but we don’t like to share that with the world, do we? No, we don’t. Hey, who are you? I’m your sister, I’m your daughter, I’m your sister, I’m your daughter….
Um.
What was I saying?
Annie says
Wendy – the best part about this post was the ending when you admitted to sharing resources with a competitor who was just starting out…
That’s what I learned in my business class as the best, most-effective way to build relationships in business. Yes, by sharing.
Or, as one of my mentors once told me: “Powerful people share things. They want to hear everyone’s ideas and they’re open to them. Non-powerful people are insecure and hold of the information for themselves…”
WendyB says
Annie, your mentor was soooooooooo right. I always think the ultimate display of power is the ability to refrain from displaying it in the traditional sense. It’s really like “nothing threatens me.” One correction, the woman I shared info with actually had MORE experience than me overall. But she wanted to do some new things and I happened to have those contacts. Would I turn over my client list to her? No. LOL. I’m not that nutty. But vendors, sure.
Blue Floppy Hat says
I’ll have to take a call on it and agree with Bobble-Bee, I read that article and my first impulse was to feel awful for the writer.
It’s hard for me not to sort of agree with Kelly Valen: she was extremely young and naive and probably, like most of us, couldn’t have imagined a situation in which what happened, happened to her. And as she says, she could, at the end, feel that at least some form of justice had been done as far as the boys who set her up went: this isn’t about that. It was about the fact that the people we would expect to give her support, failed to do so- egregiously.
I’ve been in girls’ schools as long as I went to school, and I can vouch for the fact that male or female cruelty can take on extreme forms when the gender is isolated . In my last two years of school (a new one), I didn’t have any friends, and spent every free minute trying to be invisible (it was standard practice to haze new students from other schools, and keep hazing them- the teachers knew about it and did nothing, since one is supposed to be a ‘good sport’ and put up with what bordered on abuse at times). Those two years made me decide that I’d rather not go to college than be forced to go to an all-girls’ one. Luckily, I ended up in a co-ed college and was able to discover that girls can be great too- I have an amazing bunch of friends who went through similar experiences in their own teens, and it’s just easier.
Which brings me to where I think Kelly V. is wrong: she hasn’t been able to let her view of women get past that bunch of bitches from her college, and if she is hostile to women as a rule, they can sense it 9believe me, I know!)won’t like her- and so it goes, chicken and egg. It’s possible that she just wasn’t much of a girls’ girl anyway, and this really didn’t help. I do wonder what her relationships with women- like her mother, or older women- were like before it happened, though.
I just realised that was a long comment.
In Yr Fshn says
Wow. And I just thought it was another irritating Modern Love column, yet look at what it wrought! I automatically did not like the author, and therefore went out of my way to feel bad for her. It’s a shitty situation to be in, but I wholeheartedly agree that she needs therapy. This wasn’t one of those heartwarming, reflective MLs. Nope, it was the kind that ends in the exact same place it began.
Frat boy activity (even rape) is such an accepted cliche in society, that I can get where this lady’s hurt stems from. I mean, girls of certain eras (seemingly the author’s), were raised to believe that you can count on the women around you to be supportive–she was from a small town before college and didn’t understand that ladies can be so hateful.
Anyhow, this’ll turn essay length if I don’t watch it, so let me end by saying: that is the THIRD Chinatown reference I’ve encountered in the last four days. What is up with that?
BossMack says
Bring that Heat babygurl!
WendyB says
Woot! Long comments! That’s fine, as long as it’s not spam, it’s all good. Long spam comments are bad >:-( I will do one long comment for Floppy, because I must answer such a thoughtful comment, then a second long one for IYF.
I really feel I agree with you mostly, Floppy. It would be devastating to be let down by the friends you thought would support you. If things with the sorority happens as she said, they were a bad bunch. Of course, this happens throughout life, that people who we thought would be there for the tough times are not. I agree that hazing can be vicious among girls. It can also be vicious among boys and in a co-ed school. Is it worse among girls? I don’t know..If you ask a victim of hazing among boys or from a co-ed school how they feel about their experience, I’m sure they will NOT say, “Yeah, it was really bad but it would have been much worse in an all-girls’ school. Thank God I wasn’t in an all-girls’ school. I was spared!” I Misery is misery and brutality is brutality and there’s no victimhood race with a gold medal at the end. Anyway, if the author wants to displace her angry feelings from the guys who victimized her to the women who let her down…whatever! Fine! Maybe since she’s straight and wanted marriage and a family it was too threatening for her to be angry at a group of specific men. That might have prevented her from being able to be close to another man. So she didn’t sabotage her family life. The thing that really got to me is that more than 20 years later, she’s still walking around with an attitude towards all women. And she’s welcome to be crazy and self-sabotaging like that. I’m not the thought police. But it personally offends me when women make sweeping negative generalizations about their own gender. Those people are FOOLS who have probably missed great experiences and opportunities. If I felt like doing another post, I could give you a couple of amazing and somewhat hilarious illustrations of someone who was so busy fearing other women that she didn’t see the hand I was holding out to her. Their loss, not mine. Do these examples reflect on all women? Not to me. It only proves that some individuals are really, really, really stupid.
WendyB says
@IYF…she must have stayed on the good side of the small town to be so naive, because small-town gossip can be evil! Where do you think New Yorkers come from? We all moved here to escape the small-town gossips, silly!
One time in a really boring meeting, I thought to myself, “Self, wouldn’t it be funny and random if, to liven things up, you started slapping yourself and screaming ‘She’s my sister! She’s my daughter!'” This extremely peculiar thought unfortunately caused me to burst out in inappropriate and hysterical laughter. The more I realized that this laughter was really inappropriate and must be stopped, the harder I laughed. I now pass on the curse of the crazy thought to you. You are doomed. In boring meetings you will think to yourself, “Self, remember the time Wendy thought about slapping herself and quoting from Chinatown?” and you will laugh and laugh and laugh.
Suze says
I think I saw PISTOLS dance badly – in sweatpants. Please, let the prolonged head beating begin.
WendyB says
Suze, did you get photos? I would like them for my scrapbook.
Blue Floppy Hat says
Wendy: We’re in full agreement over the fact that Kelly Valen really should have gotten over the incident (horrible as it was) and I wish she’d found herself some other, nicer girls for friends afterwards, it’s just sad. However, if she doesn’t feel anything is wrong in the fact that she’s missing out meaningful relationships with women her own age, I can only pity her.
WendyB says
Me too, Floppy, because I for one have met some fabulous and very helpful ladies lately. (Thank you for everything, Andrea and Marcy!!)
riz says
The worst is when fear of women ends up being projected outward in forms such as envy, jealousy, etc. (Btw I too went to a liberal arts school where there was no greek life, though a form of greek life that was repressed, manifested at times into equally insidious forms of hazing and harrassment)
pistols at dawn says
Damnit, I thought sweatpants were my secret shame.
Merisi says
I can’t help but feeling sorry for that woman, something in her broke and was never mended. I wouldn’t want to judge her.
Angela says
When I read Kelly Valen’s column I wondered why did she not take the opportunity she was offered and tell her former “sister” what a despicable person she was? She’s had YEARS to think about it. What did she have to lose? She didn’t have any female friends before she was raped because if she did there is no way she would blame other women for what happened to her (never mind her own irresponsible drinking.) The fact that she wasn’t able to feel close to women after the assault shows that she has not progressed at all since her college days and that her daughters will likely continue to bear the burden of that twisted mistrust towards other women. How sad.
Blue Floppy Hat says
Angela: I know that is what I would have loved her to have done, and what I myself would have done in the same situation- were it not for the presence of her seven year old daughter. Also, I tend to freeze when I’m meeting characters from my past that I didn’t like- I’m sure Ms Valen’s dislike for the woman was rather apparent, even if she didn’t verbalise it.
jdbsusanna says
I’m so glad to know that there’s at least one other person who can’t stand the Modern Love column. I didn’t read this particular one, but having read your excellent post, I guess I should.
Shaz says
the actions of the sorority is just awful