• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

  • HOME
  • SHOP
  • ABOUT
  • FAQ
  • CONTACT

Having a Wank

January 3, 2009 by WendyB

I took guitar lessons for eight years. I didn’t become proficient because I never practiced. I would get out my candy-apple red Fender Strat exactly once a week when I trudged the ten blocks to see Ed, my good-natured guitar teacher. I kept this up until I left the corporate world and started working for myself, at which point I fell prey to the time-warping qualities of the unstructured life, wherein the more time you have, the less you manage to do with it. Never did learn French either.

Anyway, I often consider going back to lessons with Ed. During these considerations, I also think about British comedian/actor/musician Dudley Moore. Dudley first came to prominence as a writer and performer of the 1960s theatrical comedy revue Beyond the Fringe, which played London’s West End and then Broadway. In 1965, he and a fellow Fringe participant, Peter Cook, moved to television, with a comedy sketch show called Not Only…But Also, which aired on the BBC (pre-Monty Python, mind you). The show was so big that John Lennon made a guest appearance in 1966.

But despite all this success, Dudley was best known for becoming an unlikely Hollywood star with the 1979 movie 10, which also popularized cornrows, Bo Derek and doing it to Ravel’s Bolero.

In 1981, Dudley had another smash, starring as a rich, alcoholic playboy falling for a blue-collar Liza Minnelli in Arthur.

Sir John Gielgud won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for playing Arthur’s proper British butler, Hobson.


Arthur: I’m going to take a bath.
Hobson: I’ll alert the media.

Dudley was never as hot again as he was in those years, despite doing Arthur 2 in 1988. Standing just a touch over 5’2″, he became better known for being “Cuddly Dudley” and “The Sex Thimble,” always romantically attached to a beautiful, much taller woman. By 1996, his career was declining. He seemed to the world to have become Arthur — drunkenly slurring his speech, losing his balance, forgetting his lines. In actuality, he had a degenerative brain disease called progressive supranuclear palsy, from which he suffered terribly until it finally killed him in 2002.

My favorite Dudley work isn’t any of those I listed above. I prefer the intensely obscene and rambling Derek and Clive comedy albums he and Peter Cook did in the ’70s. I only discovered these after Ed, the guitar teacher, thought I had called him a “wanker” when I had, in fact, called him a “winker.” (Oh, come on! You should have known I was going to get back to Ed eventually. Have a little faith.) This reminded him of the Derek and Clive “Having a Wank” recording, which he eventually located on tape and brought in for one of our lessons. We spent the entire hour listening to the tape and screaming with laughter. I ended up lying on the floor because I became too weak from hysterics to sit up. It was the best lesson we ever had.

Here is the audio of “Having a Wank.” Dudley, as Derek, starts off with a story about masturbating with a greased toilet roll and an electric train set. You can later hear him laughing while Peter Cook, as Clive, describes his wanking scenarios. My favorite part is Clive explaining to his spunk-haired wife Audrey that, “There are 14 members of the Russian secret police positioned around the room, disguised as wallpaper, with guns pointing at my head. And they have ordered me to finger my private parts continuously for the next hour otherwise they’ll shoot me.”


Clive: “…grabbing hold of the carpet, being sick in the ashtrays….a run-of-the-mill Wednesday 9 o’clock wank.”

In 1979, Dudley and Peter filmed their Derek and Clive recording sessions. This is from Derek and Clive Get the Horn. Watch Dudley crack up as Peter describes how the dead Pope gives him the horn.


Clive: “You’re not allowed to fuck a door unless it’s 16 years old.”

Did you check out Peter’s tinted glasses? I swear, those glasses give me the horn! They do! I’m not ashamed. Seventies-style glasses on a dude are hot. In that clip, Peter Cook reminds me of comic-turned-actor Richard Belzer when he was young. Young Richard Belzer totally gives me the horn.

Young Richard Belzer is on the right.
Image source is here.

In fact, old Richard Belzer gives me the horn. I know this is a shocking statement, but it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.

Old Richard Belzer is on Law & Order SVU.

I’d love to keep going with this post, but there are 14 members of the Russian secret police positioned around the room, disguised as wallpaper, and they want to talk to me about Richard Belzer until MrB walks in. Gotta go.

You might also like
Happy Birthday, Almost-Husband Paul McCartney
That "Game of Thrones" Episode Was Hot!
"I Saw It in the Window and I Just Couldn't Resist It"

Filed Under: Beatles, Celebrities, insanity, movies, TV

Previous Post: « Going Back to Cali
Next Post: Too Much Is Never Enough »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. K.Line says

    January 3, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    I love this stream of consciousness. Where to begin? Dudley more is excellent. Didn’t know about his terrible demise. Very sad. Will watch the wanking video shortly (you know what I mean…)

    Oh, and Richard Belzer flips your switch? Very intriguing. Can’t say the same for me. But I think House is cute. Generally, I’m getting into the younger boys these days 🙂

  2. KD says

    January 3, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    I feel like I’m too young to comment on this. I didn’t watch the videos, so tell me, am I?

  3. WendyB says

    January 3, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    KD, you may watch the Arthur videos freely, and you may watch the horn video with adult supervision. However, you are banned from the wank video.

  4. selinaoolala says

    January 3, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    hahaha the horn will be a great addition to my vocabulary, wonderful post!

  5. Lynette says

    January 3, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    OK, so I’m sitting here, choking back laughter at your post and stopping my finger from clicking on the links ’cause Mama is sitting across the room from me, in her recliner with Duncan and her crossword puzzle book. So, I’ll have to remember to come back later on or early in the morning–I always wake up before she does–to see if any Russian KGB have taken up residence in our apartment. Plus, OMG, I have LOVED me some Richard Belzer, for 30 years plus.

    WendyB, you’re suchahoot! Before I forget, Duncan certainly makes his contributions to yellow snow!

  6. Miss Karen says

    January 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    My dad would kill you for your guitar – so if you see a man with a moustache and '70s afro call Old Belzer to protect you ok? Because that's my dad (and he's not in disguise either, he actually looks like that).

    Also, Dudley Moore was an awesome man, I loved his narration work in Milo & Otis.

  7. Songy says

    January 3, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    Yeah I say good ol’ Richard Belzer is rather sexy. I’ll say the same thing about Hugh Laurie, Jeremy Irons and Richard Dean Anderson.. I like guys in their late 40s and 50s.. hehe. Hang on I think Jeremie Irons is in his 60s now!!

  8. Renaissance Woman says

    January 3, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    I love Dudley as well! Thanks for the walk down memory lane.

  9. ana b. says

    January 4, 2009 at 1:00 am

    Oh this post is so hilarious. Wasn’t there a really famous, cheesy song from Arthur? I really loved that song. I might go find it on the inna-netz.

  10. Sharon Rose says

    January 4, 2009 at 1:29 am

    Hi there-totally hilarious post, Dudley and Peter were an awesome duo alright!

  11. deep_in_vogue says

    January 4, 2009 at 1:38 am

    hahah wow FANTASTIC POST!

  12. Swell Vintage - Frankie says

    January 4, 2009 at 4:41 am

    Wendy, you are such a legend. You’d be the ultimate guitar hero if you learned again x

  13. -h of candid cool says

    January 4, 2009 at 6:23 am

    they’re funny

  14. enc says

    January 4, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Girls can't get the horn!

    But for Richard Belzer in L&OSVU? I'd try.

    As K. said above, this is a great stream-of-consciousness post. Best ever, in fact.

  15. Make Do Style says

    January 4, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Very funny – I bunked off school in the sixth form to listen to Derek & Clive at a friends. It was so naughty and funny at the same time. All I can remember is crying and not being able to breath over the horse race ..agh your post takes years off me!!

  16. Jill says

    January 4, 2009 at 10:05 am

    This is sooo weird…I’m reading Wacky Chics by Simon Doonan. Just yesterday, I looked up Derek and Clives “You calling me a Fucking Cunt, You Fucking Cunt?!”…I almost put it on my blog! Is that not bizarre?

  17. Dressed and Pressed says

    January 4, 2009 at 11:02 am

    If you get caught between the moon and New York ciiii-ty/ the best that you can do/ the best that you can do/ is ha-ave a wank!

    Madam, you are insane. I kinda like it.

  18. KiKi says

    January 4, 2009 at 11:50 am

    i never knew that guitar was such an expensive hobby god that is an expensive guitar

  19. Aretha says

    January 4, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Dudley Moore was awesome. I love the Arthut movies and there was this one with Nasstasja Kinski that I loved too, but I can´t remember the name

  20. Meg says

    January 4, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Am I the only one who gets the Dudley Moore vibe from Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl? Think it’s the eyebrows, though Dudley Moore is infinately more convincing with them.

  21. Winnie says

    January 4, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Awesome guitar. Love this post…and yes my blowfish boots are much nicer than the ones you came across! Eek!

  22. Elisenda In The Clouds says

    January 4, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    What an incredible post! Funny and interesting at the same time.

    Can’t stop listening at it!

  23. THE HOUSE OF STYLE says

    January 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    hilarious my dear! love that you used to learn the guitar.thats so cool my dear! you should go back to it my dear.i took piano lessons but never took it seriously either and wish i had!
    muah x
    Marian

  24. OckGal says

    January 4, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    This entire post gave me the horn! I get a lot of migraines but too bad I don’t have a knob to stick in the toilet roll to get rid of it.

    Now, someone mentioned the Arthur song. It was Christopher Cross’ “Best That You Can Do (Arthur’s Theme).” I actually had a fanvid of it on YouTube but they removed it because of copyright issues with the song. So now all that remains is the footage and no music. Meanwhile the song is featured in other videos that are still up. Go figure.

    Loved your post!

    -Lisa
    http://dudleymoore.org

  25. WendyB says

    January 4, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Jill, I’ve been listening to that one constantly. I might use it in my follow-up post.

    Dressed and Pressed, I think they need to remake the song with your lyrics.

  26. pistols at dawn says

    January 4, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    I always wondered why the hell Dudley Moore was famous, since he wasn’t good looking or funny in his movies.

    Nice to know that like Richard Pryor, he was very funny when not in movies.

  27. Diabolina Da Fashionista says

    January 5, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    i could see the belzer thing. i have a thing for skinny white guys with graying hair too…

    “_____ gives me the horn” is gonna be my new 2009 catch phrase. danke. you teach me everything good and right in the world. kiss.

  28. Sister Wolf says

    January 7, 2009 at 12:15 am

    I can quote EVERY WORD from all three of the Derek and Clive records!

    If only I’d known you were coming to L.A.!!!!

  29. Alya says

    January 7, 2009 at 6:56 am

    This is equal parts amazing and hilarious! I’ve heard of Dudley Moore, but never about this!

    Thank you Thank you for a much needed laugh!!

  30. MJ says

    July 22, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I don’t know you IRL, but I think I love you.

Primary Sidebar

MEET WENDY BRANDES

Award-winning designer of fine jewelry inspired by women's history and pop culture. A former journalist who writes about jewelry, fashion, medieval history, news, feminism, dogs, cats and whatever else is on her mind. Blogging since 2007.
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

ARCHIVES

CATEGORIES

Facebook Pagelike Widget

POPULAR TOPICS

NEWSLETTER

Subscribe for Email updates.
* indicates required

Original jewelry designs, photos and text are © Wendy Brandes 2007-2016. All rights reserved.

© 2016 · FOODIE PRO THEME COPYRIGHT BY · SHAY BOCKS GENESIS FRAMEWORK · BUILT ON THE WORDPRESS