What Am I Doing Here?

Every time I log into the back end of this blog, I feel like I’m peering around the corner in a haunted house. It’s very suspenseful. My heart’s kind of pounding thinking a literal ghost in the machine might awaiting me with scary error messages. I assume my fears will be assuaged with exposure therapy, now that I have ghostbuster/Fiverr freelancer Lisa Miller on my side.

I can testify that Lisa is very patient with erratic clients because I told her my blog problems, gave her access, and then disappeared for weeks on end. To stick with a theme, I would say that I ghosted her, but someone somewhere on social media pointed out that ghosting is the wrong word for disappearing, because the whole problem with ghosts is that they’re lingering, uninvited. Right? If you have a ghost in your house, it’s rudely opening your kitchen cabinets; banging the screen door; turning the TV to static to transport small children and pets to other dimensions; and messing with the back end of your blog. You WANT the ghost to disappear for good. So let’s say I was frequently incommunicado rather than a ghost. Nevertheless, Lisa persisted, and here I am.

Anyway, if you follow me on Instagram, you already know that my raison d’être is fighting fascism (sometimes while pole dancing, as you can see below).

I’m choosing the word “fascism” to cover my concerns because political scientist Lawrence Britt published a list of 14 characteristics of fascism in 2003, and the list covers a large number of the evils we face, though in a general way, by necessity. You have to go through it and say, yeah, this one covers patriarchy, and this one covers concentration camps, and this one covers Christofascism, and so on. I’m not sure the list encompasses ecocide; white supremacy; imperialism and colonization; and mass murder through lack of safe food, safe water, medical neglect, and/or lack of electrical power. So when I say I’m consumed with fighting fascism, it’s also more than fascism, but sometimes I need shorthand for The System.

That said, I’m not starting with a political post because I feel compelled to write about some non-resistance topics “for the record.” I’ve always felt that the blog is where I make my official statements about people, places, things, daily horrors, etc. If it’s not here, it’s not official! It’s more static and easily searchable than social media. I often use my blog as reference material on myself. It’s the quickest way for me to look up things like the date of an event, the provenance of a sequin skirt, photos of favorite hairstyles, and opinions that I now wholeheartedly rebuke. I get very annoyed with my past self when I discover that a topic I am looking for wasn’t covered.

Two other answers to my own question of “what am I doing here?” just hit me. First, my stepdaughter Isabelle once called me “completist,” when I couldn’t move onto a show she recommended because I had yet to finish the previous show she recommended. This blog has felt incomplete, and that’s long made me anxious. (Note: I can deal with important things in life being open-ended, but any smaller, self-contained things that CAN be completed MUST be completed or I cannot rest.)

Second, after I wrote my first “real” post complete with photos four days ago and started thinking about what I might write next, I was unexpectedly bursting with creativity like I haven’t been in years. I was starting to wonder if I was having a manic episode, and texted Isabelle, a novelist, with alarm, to ask her what to do if I suddenly had the outline for a four-chapter short story written down in 30 minutes. I was like, what does this mean? MUST I write the story now? Is it mandated by the muses or something? I’ve never done anything like that before. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to do anything like that. Seeing as the energy hasn’t spread in either an alarming or helpful way to other aspects of my life, I’m going to take this a positive development and continue blogging if I can, while writing my short story. Kidding! I have not started the short story. Must I? Please advise.

Finally, it has dawned on me, as I prepared to write a last paragraph here, that my new era of blogging began with a story about a stolen ring. Here’s a crazy coincidence: THIS WHOLE BLOG STARTED IN 2007 WITH A STORY ABOUT A STOLEN RING. Someone fetch my smelling salts at once – I fear I shall swoon! Seriously, I’m shook! I didn’t even remember as I wrote that recent post, and declared the 2026 incident to be my first and only major jewelry theft! I guess I will stand by that, because the first time, we knew who had the ring and I was paid for it. The 2007 ring didn’t vanish into the ether.

P.S. Fuck AI. I won’t use it here. I will figure out how to do alt text for images though!