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I Am Amused

August 3, 2010 by WendyB

Here are a few things I’ve heard recently from friends and one brand-new acquaintance that made me laugh.

“Don’t sign too many autographs, Paul. It cheapens them.” — said to MrB by our handsome friend Barney.

“I’m going to retweet the hell out of this!” — comedian Baratunde Thurston.

“I got this dress at a bait and tackle shop.” — Elizabeth Wurtzel, identifying the provenance of a floral frock that looked very Dolce & Gabbana on her.

“We’re going to be 80 any minute now.” — Elizabeth again, reflecting on her birthday and my complaint that years seem to go by in mere weeks.

Elizabeth’s bait and tackle dress, dripping dry after a wash.

And, even though I’ve never taken the bar exam, I can’t stop rereading the bar-exam parody question Elizabeth posted here. I know people with martyr complexes so severe you could tell them the story contained in Elizabeth’s question and they’d say, “My day was even worse than that. Yes, even worse than being hit by a fan, run over by a vacuum cleaner and getting a pacemaker that I didn’t need.”

UPDATED TO ADD: Here’s the bar-exam parody question for those of you too lazy to click. You know who you are!

BAR EXAM QUESTION by ELIZABETH WURTZEL

You are walking through Central Park, which by chance is property of the city of New York, when you notice a large structure with an open front face. It is marked Property of the State of New York. Being curious, you walk in and find yourself in a wind tunnel. You know this because a propeller from an industrial fan comes flying at you and knocks you over. You are certain you have a concussion. As you are about to stand up and recover your composure, a man comes toward you with a vacuum cleaner, and astonished to see you lying there, he lets the huge thing fly out of his hands and it runs you over, breaking various limbs. He is an employee of Highly Hazardous E-Stop-L Cleaning Service of Bayonne, New Jersey and his name is Jose. He lives in Bridgeport, Connecticut, on work release from the Department of Corrections, where he was incarcerated for narcotics possession and related crimes.

Jose has taken his Adderall today, but not as instructed: he has taken seven pills instead of one, even though the packaging inside warns not to operate heavy machinery if you are taking any amount of the medication. He was prescribed the Adderall by a general practitioner through his HMO, which is part of a Connecticut state plan for the uninsured. His doctor has no special knowledge about psychopharmacological drugs. As Jose is jumping up and down and pulling the vacuum cleaner off of you, the ceiling caves in. It is made out of glass because this is an experiment in combining solar and wind energy for greater efficiency, which is being conducted jointly by a professor from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a researcher affiliated with Columbia University, underwritten by a grant from the US Environmental Protection Agency, with additional funding from Cos Cob Venture Partners, LLP, of Greenwich, Connecticut. Glass shards are everywhere. The structure is over six years old, and the architect resides in Vermont, with offices in Hanover, New Hampshire and Portland, Maine, though the contract to build the structure was signed on Long Island. The contractor who was subcontracted by the architect to do the construction is based in Lynn, Massachusetts, and incorporated in the Cayman Islands.

Just as you and Jose are about to stand up amid the glass, propeller and vacuum cleaner parts, you smell fumes: apparently there is a gas leak from the heating system that was installed to keep workers warm during the winter. Both of you faint. At this moment, 22 children, ages nine and ten, come rushing into the shack to see what’s going on, and all of them faint as well, but one of them first throws his model airplane into the air, and the glue makes the fumes even more poisonous. Soon there are 24 bodies all in a heap. An employee of the Central Park Conservancy, a not-for-profit organization, who is chopping up some wood nearby, comes rushing over to see what has happened, axe in hand. As he approaches, the blade looses from the handle, flies through the open face of the shack, and strikes Jose in the hip.

When you finally make it to the hospital, there is so much confusion that the doctor accidentally puts a pacemaker into you. One of Jose’s legs has been amputated because he has been mistaken for another Hispanic shooting victim, though the injuries are not the same. Despite his deep confusion, Jose has so much Adderall in his system that he hears the doctor say, “These spics –” they’re always getting into trouble.” It is a state hospital. In the meantime, CNN cameras have rode along in the ambulance with you to the hospital and taken footage of you looking all bloody, and you were in no condition to stop it. You feel humiliated and ashamed — insult to injury.

QUESTIONS:

Here are all the parties: You, Jose, the state of New York, the city of New York, the Environmental Protection Agency, MIT, Columbia University, Cos Cob Venture Partners, CNN, the state hospital, the state of Connecticut, Jose’s general practitioner, your doctor at the hospital, Jose’s doctor at the hospital, 22 nine- and ten-year-olds, the Central Park Conservancy, the man with the axe, the heating company, the manufacturer of the heating unit, the gas company, the architect, the construction company, Highly Hazardous E-Stop-L Cleaning Service, the axe manufacturer, the blade manufacturer, the model airplane manufacturer, the glue manufacturer, the manufacturer of the vacuum cleaner, the manufacturer of Adderall, the HMO, the manufacturer of the wind tunnel, the manufacturer of the fan, God almighty.

  • Who can sue whom? How many lawsuits can we get out of this? Are there assignment and delegation possibilities? Third-party defendants? Comparative liabilities? Contributory liabilities? Joint and several liabilities? Cross claims? Countersuits? Diagrams are not an acceptable answer.
  • Can the children’s parents be sued for bringing them into the world?
  • Can you be sued for trespass to lands?
  • What are your claims against the state of New York?
  • What are your claims against the city of New York?
  • What are your claims against the government of the United States?
  • In which court would you sue, assuming you have claims?
  • Are there First Amendment problems here?
  • Are there Fourteenth Amendment issues here?
  • Is there any way to get personal jurisdiction over the architect? The contractor?
  • Can New York City sue New York State? Can New York sue Connecticut? Can any state sue the United States? Who has jurisdiction?
  • If there is an appeal, where will it end up?
  • If Jose dies because of all this, and is intestate, will New York law apply?
  • Will any law apply to any of this, or is this just a very unfortunate way to spend a day?

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Filed Under: gorgeous friends, insanity, truth-justice-and-the-american-way Tagged With: elizabeth wurtzel

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Jemina says

    August 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    OMG!!! HA HA HA i just read that parody question, Elizabeth is a genius LOL, I couldn’t stop laughing LOL!!! and seriously, this is the first time i’ve ever heard of martyr complex, and wendy if that is something you invented, then you too are a genius, and I bet we all already know that, mwah! xoxo

  2. Tess says

    August 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    haha sounds like you have some hilarious friends!

  3. thefatandskinny says

    August 3, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    lol funny stuff. you do seem tohave hilarious friends and you could totally pull off the sheer trend bwahahah. i laughed so hard when i read your commnt.

  4. sharon rose says

    August 3, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Hiya!! That quote from Barney to MrB was very good indeed-another fab post as usual my dear!!

  5. Make Do Style says

    August 3, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    I’m dizzy from the bar question parody! Too dizzy to sign autographs.

  6. HelOnWheels says

    August 3, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Ouch! I laughed so hard at the bar exam question that I fell off my chair and got a concussion. As a result, I may have to sue you, Wendy B, and Ms. Wurtzel.

  7. Style Eyes says

    August 3, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Thanks for making me laugh. I also made myself laugh today when I asked a blogger if she could write a post on the trend for camel.It only occured to me later to clarify that it was the colour I meant!

  8. Lynzy says

    August 3, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Wendy, I just adore your jewelry collection, ADORE it. That is all πŸ™‚

    Lynzy
    http://fromskirtstoskillets.blogspot.com

  9. Nickie Frye says

    August 3, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Ok, there’s NO WAY I could ever be a lawyer. Apparently, though, I could go dress shopping at a tackle shop. Hm!

  10. Nubiasnonsense says

    August 3, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Hey Wendy!

    Those quotes are pretty funny.. I like the autograph one haha.

    I use to love to debate but I hear scary stories about the bar exam lol It’s very hard, I don’t think I can be a lawyer.

    That story is nuts! I’m sure so many people can be taken to court and charged for things I never even heard of.

    P.S I like the big florals on the bait and tackle dress

  11. hiyaluv says

    August 3, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    i need your friends for a day. just a day. not asking much;)

  12. Marta from With Love... says

    August 3, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    ahhahahaha… this is tooo hilarious πŸ™‚

    -Marta

  13. Fashionistable says

    August 4, 2010 at 6:39 am

    OMG very scary on many levels. I can see the funny side, but am very glad our culture over in the UK is different – mind you this is coming our way, slowly but surely. Xxxx

    • WendyB says

      August 4, 2010 at 10:24 am

      There are true-life stories of libel suits in the U.K. that are nearly this ridiculous. Read http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libel_tourism

  14. Carrie says

    August 4, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Hi, Wendy. I couldn’t read the parody question at all, so I’d like to distract you with something. On Go Fug Yourself, there’s a picture of the Ossie Clark tie-bodice dress with red skirt being worn:

    http://www.tinyurl.com/3ytbaf5

    Of course, they don’t like it, but that’s why I like you. πŸ™‚

  15. My Republic of Fashion says

    August 4, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    haha, this is funny. I like the last Elizabeth quote.:)SarahD

  16. Zabrinah Blog says

    August 4, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    The retweet quote made me laugh SO MUCH!

    πŸ™‚

    Best wishes from one blogger to another,

    ~Zabrinah

  17. drollgirl says

    August 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    those quotes ARE amusing!!!!

  18. lenorenevermore says

    August 4, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    speed reading cos’ I’m @ work, but can’t help whahaha-ing out loud!

  19. La Belette Rouge says

    August 4, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    HIGH-lariousness!!!!

  20. Emma says

    August 4, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    I love it. “We’re going to be 80 any minute now” – I know that feeling! How is it August already – it’ll be Christmas soon enough.

  21. Joy D. says

    August 4, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    so saucy. What bait and tackle shop is this? I need to visit.

  22. fashion herald says

    August 4, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Oh my god, that bar exam question – I’m sending it to all the lawyers in my family!

  23. enc says

    August 4, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I’m glad to say my day was not worse than that. Just about almost as bad, though.

    πŸ˜›

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MEET WENDY BRANDES

Award-winning designer of fine jewelry inspired by women's history and pop culture. A former journalist who writes about jewelry, fashion, medieval history, news, feminism, dogs, cats and whatever else is on her mind. Blogging since 2007.
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