I need a restraining order, y’all.
I’m not just worried about whoever Googled “Wendy Brandes home address.” (By the way, it is 123 Main Street, Noway, Nohow. The zip code is Get The Hell Out Of Here.)
I need a restraining order to keep Dr. Phil away from my favorite sticky-fingered client, Britney Spears.
I realize some of you may not have kept up on important news because of some boring shizz going down in Iowa. Briefly, Britney Spears was supposed to turn over her kids to her ex, she didn’t do it, the police were called and Britney ended up being strapped to a stretcher and taken to the hospital by ambulance. All with the paparazzi clicking away, of course.
Britney caught in the act of running off with my Borgia ring last JulyNow TV psychologist Dr. Phil, like MTV and Criss Angel before him, is hoping to get some press by convincing a very troubled lady to embarrass herself on television. Yep, he wants to do some kind of on-air intervention, and to make his pitch he trotted right over to the hospital to visit her. Have you noticed that “Dr. Phil” is just two letters away from “Dr. Evil”? She needs to be protected from Dr. Evil. He is not going to cure her of the crazy on camera. That needs to be handled in private by doctors who care about their patients more than their press clips.
I confess that I had some fun last summer telling you bitches how Britney stole my ring during a photo shoot and treated it to a topless lesbian pool romp. But as soon as the magazine paid me back and I stopped worrying about how to explain the incident to the insurance peeps (“I don’t see a box on this form for ‘pop-star theft.'”), I started worrying about Britney. I seriously think sistergirl is bipolar and that is no laughing matter.
Needless to say, I’m not impressed by the Britney-hating geniuses who are taking time out of their busy lives to hit the blogs with classy comments like these (all real quotes and for mature audiences only):
- “I am so fucking sick of this cunt! I really don’t care if she lives or dies.”
- “I wish someone would smack the crap out of her!!!!!!!!”
- “Fuck Britney– Let’s all hope that she kills herself ASAP (Before she takes out someone innocent)!!!”
- “Dumb fuckin’ bitch. They should’ve kept her crazy ass in the looney bin. … She’s a fuckin’ psycho.”
- “Good. She’s one step closer to grave. I’ve never been so fucking disgusted with a human being in my entire life. I hope she gets into scat porn now where she belongs…eating shit.”
That last one was posted by “Piper.” What kind of person even comes up with an image like that? Congratulations, “Piper.” Your mother would be so proud! By the way, “Piper,” you might want to introduce your id to your superego sometime. I’m just saying!
As for you, my peeps, if you want to say something nasty about Britney in the comments here, you’re welcome to do so under two conditions:
- You can swear that you and everyone you know does not now, never has and never will have a mental illness or substance abuse problem that you would rather not see publicly mocked.
- You are going to be so fucking funny that I fall off my chair laughing.
If you can’t meet those requirements, I’m open to suggestions on how we can celebrity-nap Britney and take her to Creedmoor for real treatment and recuperation. Several members of the extended “B” family will be glad to keep her company there. For real. I should start hosting “B” family reunions in that place so people don’t have to travel. Oh noes! Maybe the Creedmor relatives are the ones who have been Googling my address! Time to move again!
UPDATED TO ADD: This is funny and scat-porn-free.
hahahaha! Britney has gone off the deep end I must agree….. all you ever read about on Perez is Britney Britney!
I can’t stand her !!!!!
LOOL That was hilarious! Poor Brit Brit.. Or shall i quote Perez Hilton, “Unfitney”.
Wendy dear, you’ve been tagged. Check out my last post.
Cheers, darling!
everything is unhuman about britney….
Where’s Maddona? How come she’s not rushing to help the troubled child she orally molested in front of millions of viewers at the MTV awards?
I think there should be a big celebrity, “Save Britney” love-fest. Instead of gathering together to hold hands with Bob Geldorf and Sting and sing for world peace or to end hunger, all the biggest celebrities should get together in the world’s largest hot tub (built specially for the event at Michael Eisner’s L.A. estate) and form a giant healing circle around her and sprinkle themselves with damiana and comfrey and soak until all the bad is gone out of her.
Meanwhile, an enormous effigy of the “old Britney” could burn into the night as minimum-wage employees of Disney World dressed up as muppets and Mickey and Cinderella and Snow White and all the Seven Dwarfs cavort lovingly alongside the tub. It could be like a giant, aquatic, celebrity exorcism.
I thought the same thing about Dr. Phil jumping on the bandwagon. He should be ashamed of himself.
Despite all the hatred and criticisms, i really pity this girl. And I definitely know the feeling of parting with your own kids…
Nice new avatar, Wendy! Hope you’re well and healthy again.
i feel so sorry for her… she needs to get help and take control of her life. i bet this happens to plenty of other people with mental disorders, but its not splashed all over the front news for them. i truly feel sorry for this girl, not even 30 and her life is going down the drain… =[
This type of hostility goes hand in hand with the anonymity of the Internet culture, where the worst human impulses are given voice from the dark recesses of one’s safe harbor. You are correct in pointing out the frightening degree of animosity. Britney isn’t even at the core of this issue. She could be exchanged for anyone; the problem is some deep-seated human need to publicly act as vengeful, attacking herd for purposes of feeling one with the group.
As to your address, thank goodness the Googler was a goof; that is hardly going to result in a worthwhile return. However, the ready availability of information on line is yet another serious flaw of the Internet age.
She needs to stay away from the media for a very looong time
The fact that I’m choosing K-fed as the better parent to her kids, is kind of a scary thought. But it’s true. & I have to say I absolutely hate Dr. Phil trying to “make people face their problems”. He’s just really good at insulting people and causing trouble.
Just when I thought we were through with Britney and her craze. I seriously thought she would remain sane for the rest of her life… guess not.
Thanks for your best wishes for Mama, WendyB. We both appreciate it. I’m loving your new photo from New Year’s Eve as your ID photo or whatever you call it.
If Britney does appear on Dr. Phil I’ll watch, but I won’t feel good about it.
I’m just glad with the picture of Britney you posted that she’s wearing knickers.
i hope britney will get a grasp on herself soon – i’ve always liked her no matter what everyone says and i still like her songs…gosh, if only she could become a bit more “decent” again and then i would be so proud of her.
2008 FASHION BLOGGER AWARDS ARE HAPPENING, PLEASE FILL OUT THE NOMINATION FORM @MAHALOFASHION.COM
Thanks,
Jen
I hope she gets help some how someday, sadly it is fascinating.
Agraham: That really was the kiss of death, wasn’t it!
Suze: Let’s beat his ass.
Lynn and Yoncto: I’m with you.
Suzanna: It’s disgusting, isn’t it? I should be used to it by now but I’m not.
Shelly: LOL!
Everyone else: Thanks for checking in!
it’s very sad. she is not well and dr. phil is a damn pimp for showing up everywhere he can get press.
the insane part is that she has the money and power to really pull off crazy like no one else!
What’s the name of that kid who cried publicly pleading for people to leave britney alone?? At 1st I was like, come on, she’s lost it. I guess people spew all that mean crap because they resent her for being this huge deal in the beginning and an undesereved sex symbol… But after reading your post, and in light of recent events, I genuinely feel sorry for her…
I read compassion and understanding in your post and totally agree about Dr. Phil…there used to be a Dr. Phil “tough talk for new yorkers” billboard on 10th Avenue, ick.
PPIEW and Altamira, what a user that “doctor” is, eh?
Riz, I think people get bitter because they think, “If I had all that money and fame, I’D be happy.” And they’d be wrong of course, but no one believes it till they’ve experienced it. I’ve certainly met a lot of incredibly wealthy people who are out of their fucking minds. Maybe they are even worse than they were before, because when they didn’t have the money they weren’t surrounded by users and could trust more people.
Wtf is up with dr. Phil? And his statements to the press? On another note, I can’t wait to see a not-3-but-actually-6-months pregnant JL spears.
I feel for Britney. How can certain people be so cruel?
Hahaha, I laughed through this whole post. Hilarious.
I’m not going to mock her, but I am going to say that your product placement in that Britney picture is brilliant. Could you give Scarlett Johanssen one of your rings, too, to see if it has the same effect?
Secondly, if so, can you turn me into one of your rings?
As annoying all the news is, it’s unfortunate that it has to be spread like that for the whole world to see.
You made a good point….I would never have wanted my mentally ill grandmother’s escapades and whackiness slung out in front for all to see and make disgusting comments about.
And this is a good lesson, imo, for parents who insist on trying to get their kids famous.
Dr. Phil needs to just knock it off. I’m tired of him and his stepford wife.
Ahahahahahaha…. Just what I needed on a school night. I love Britney’s music (yeah yeah, bash all you want) and hope that she recovers soon so I can get more of my favorite cheesy pop songs with electro beats.
And the other post about, er, the men with the incredible facial hair was pretty sweet too. You’re hilarious!