I need a restraining order, y’all.
I’m not just worried about whoever Googled “Wendy Brandes home address.” (By the way, it is 123 Main Street, Noway, Nohow. The zip code is Get The Hell Out Of Here.)
I realize some of you may not have kept up on important news because of some boring shizz going down in Iowa. Briefly, Britney Spears was supposed to turn over her kids to her ex, she didn’t do it, the police were called and Britney ended up being strapped to a stretcher and taken to the hospital by ambulance. All with the paparazzi clicking away, of course.
Now TV psychologist Dr. Phil, like MTV and Criss Angel before him, is hoping to get some press by convincing a very troubled lady to embarrass herself on television. Yep, he wants to do some kind of on-air intervention, and to make his pitch he trotted right over to the hospital to visit her. Have you noticed that “Dr. Phil” is just two letters away from “Dr. Evil”? She needs to be protected from Dr. Evil. He is not going to cure her of the crazy on camera. That needs to be handled in private by doctors who care about their patients more than their press clips.
I confess that I had some fun last summer telling you bitches how Britney stole my ring during a photo shoot and treated it to a topless lesbian pool romp. But as soon as the magazine paid me back and I stopped worrying about how to explain the incident to the insurance peeps (“I don’t see a box on this form for ‘pop-star theft.'”), I started worrying about Britney. I seriously think sistergirl is bipolar and that is no laughing matter.
Needless to say, I’m not impressed by the Britney-hating geniuses who are taking time out of their busy lives to hit the blogs with classy comments like these (all real quotes and for mature audiences only):
- “I am so fucking sick of this cunt! I really don’t care if she lives or dies.”
- “I wish someone would smack the crap out of her!!!!!!!!”
- “Fuck Britney– Let’s all hope that she kills herself ASAP (Before she takes out someone innocent)!!!”
- “Dumb fuckin’ bitch. They should’ve kept her crazy ass in the looney bin. … She’s a fuckin’ psycho.”
- “Good. She’s one step closer to grave. I’ve never been so fucking disgusted with a human being in my entire life. I hope she gets into scat porn now where she belongs…eating shit.”
That last one was posted by “Piper.” What kind of person even comes up with an image like that? Congratulations, “Piper.” Your mother would be so proud! By the way, “Piper,” you might want to introduce your id to your superego sometime. I’m just saying!
As for you, my peeps, if you want to say something nasty about Britney in the comments here, you’re welcome to do so under two conditions:
- You can swear that you and everyone you know does not now, never has and never will have a mental illness or substance abuse problem that you would rather not see publicly mocked.
- You are going to be so fucking funny that I fall off my chair laughing.
If you can’t meet those requirements, I’m open to suggestions on how we can celebrity-nap Britney and take her to Creedmoor for real treatment and recuperation. Several members of the extended “B” family will be glad to keep her company there. For real. I should start hosting “B” family reunions in that place so people don’t have to travel. Oh noes! Maybe the Creedmor relatives are the ones who have been Googling my address! Time to move again!
UPDATED TO ADD: This is funny and scat-porn-free.