{"id":1080,"date":"2009-02-11T22:02:00","date_gmt":"2009-02-12T05:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wendybrandes.com\/blog\/?p=1080"},"modified":"2019-11-03T20:24:33","modified_gmt":"2019-11-04T01:24:33","slug":"keep-your-pants-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wendybrandes.com\/blog\/2009\/02\/keep-your-pants-on\/","title":{"rendered":"Keep Your Pants On"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I told y’all that I was on Twitter<\/a>, I warned you that I had a limited number of topics<\/a> to tweet about, with a favorite being “I can’t sleep.”<\/p>\n

Not long ago, after I tweeted an insomnia complaint, gorgeous blogger Gnarlitude Jen<\/a> tweeted back a quote from former Gucci designer Tom Ford<\/a>: “Bedtime ritual: take bath, turn off TV, lay awake for 6-7 hours. Get up.”<\/span> I loved this quote. It made me feel like Tom Ford and I should be best friends. I thought that if we were best friends, maybe Tom Ford would turn the TV back on and we would watch the 2 a.m. Law & Order Special Victims Unit<\/a> together and email each other about it. I would write, “Tom Ford, don’t u agree that Ice-T<\/a> and Richard Belzer<\/a> deserve more screen time?” And he would write, “How did u get my email? I’m blocking u. Also, stop calling me ‘Tom Ford,’ u crazy bitch.” And I would write, “LMAO, Tom Ford!”<\/p>\n

My fantasy world was shattered when I remembered that before designer Marc Jacobs<\/a> made it his No. 1 goal in life to bother me with his nudity, Tom Ford bothered me with HIS nudity.<\/p>\n

TOM FORD, NAKED AGAIN<\/a>.<\/center><\/p>\n

I think Tom Ford has a very perky derriere, but I prefer my fashion designers to be fully clothed at all times. I also prefer my pharmacist, dog groomer, dentist and corner drug addict to be fully clothed when I’m around. I’m the opposite of the PETA ads: I’d rather you wear fur than go naked.<\/p>\n

There’s an exception to every rule, of course. How did Yves Saint Laurent<\/a> make it look so elegant? Was it the glasses? The non-buff body? The lack of SpongeBob SquarePants<\/a> tattoos?<\/p>\n

YVES SAINT LAURENT – ICONIC NUDE<\/a><\/center><\/p>\n

Tom Ford designed Saint Laurent’s namesake line from 2000 to 2003. Saint Laurent said of his successor, “The poor guy does what he can<\/a>.” Perhaps he was referring to nekkid pictures, as well as clothing design. Hmm. Anyway, if you are a fashion designer about to strip for a photo shoot, my advice is to ask yourself, “Is my name Yves Saint Laurent?” If the answer is no, please do not disrobe.<\/p>\n

Speaking of inappropriate nudity, one winter I was in a cab and drove past a naked dude trying to dig up a sidewalk tree with his bare hands. He looked like he might catch a bad cold, so I called 911. I didn’t mind that the 911 operator asked me if I was “the patient.” Maybe I sound like a naked man on the phone. Who knows? I could also put up with the fact that she kept asking me the man’s age even though I told her I was in a cab and he was two, three, four blocks away by now (Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks.) I did mind that she transferred me without warning, and after I listened to a lot of static and weird clicks, I had to tell the same story to a fireman, including the fact that I was not the patient and that the patient’s age was unknown. After I clarified everything, the fireman was silent. Trying to keep the converstion going, I helpfully said, “I’m worried that the man might be having a psychotic episode.” And the fireman sarcastically replied, “Ya THINK?!?”<\/p>\n

No good deed goes unpunished.
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When I told y’all that I was on Twitter, I warned you that I had a limited number of topics to tweet about, with a favorite being “I can’t sleep.” Not long ago, after I tweeted an insomnia complaint, gorgeous blogger Gnarlitude Jen tweeted back a quote from former Gucci designer Tom Ford: “Bedtime ritual:…<\/p>\n

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